Relationship Growth & Polyamory Rules

My wife and I sat down today to revisit our list of Polyamorous rules. We realized that many of our rules were outdated, and we had no insecurity issues over any longer. Initially we made our rules set around our insecurities, such as no sleeping with other partners in our bed, no cumming inside other partners or seeing other partners only twice per week. Our rule list went on for pages, almost to the point of not being able to remember so many. Initially we looked around online for guidelines, and found that it may be a good idea to make a polyamory contract. We fill out the contract and have other potential partners sign the contract, just to be sure everyone is on the same page. Our polyamory contract didn’t make it far, as we worked on it for several days then just kept it between us.

So now we are at the point where we have a massive list of rules and we needed to cut them down. We sat outside and watched the rain come down while snuggling each other close and talking about what insecurities we had with each rule. We as we slowly went through our polyamory rule list, we crossed one off then another, and another. We came down to only a few rules left:

Polyamory Rule #1) 100% Open Communication – No matter what.

If there is an insecurity, we always talk about it, even if it is a very small insecurity. Small insecurities can bubble up to be huge insecurities very quickly and without talking about these insecurities revolving around polyamory, other partners, sex with other partners or even sex with each other can lead to disaster. So 100% open communication as a polyamory rule was big for us. We highly recommend this one to you as well!

Polyamory Rule #2) 100% Complete Honesty – No matter what.

We always tell the truth and the whole truth when asked about something, or not asked about something. A little bit of sketchy behavior skirting a topic can lead from being sketchy to lying to cheating to broken irreparable relationships. Always tell the truth, always be honest, and if you mess up… own up to it! The earlier and faster you can own up to your mistake, the better the outcome will be. Don’t hide details, but on the other hand don’t splurge every bit of your sex life to your partner unless asked. Going overboard without need can be dangerous and inconsiderate.

Polyamory Rule #3) Use Protection

We always use protection when having sex outside of the primary relationship. Using protection, meaning, using condoms. Every time. STD’s are always something to think about when having sex with multiple partners as those partners have their own partners and so on. As the web of sex expands it increases the chance of an STD spreading. So – use a condom. Be safe. Get tested.

So here we are with our 3 rules, and everything else we just talk about! We don’t have set date days or set date times, we just always talk about what our insecurities are and get through them together.

Finding Polyamory on OkCupid Dating Website

Polyamory Dating on OkCupid

There are many websites online that are great for polyamorous/polyamory dating, OkCupid being a great one! One of the best reasons OkCupid is one of the best is because it allows for extensive searching options, especially if you are on their A-List. However, A-List is not needed. First, you will want to create a great profile, one that separates you from everyone else on OkCupid. One of the huge issues on OkCupid is the fact that profiles are bland, boring and basically rehashed information across all of them – who wants to talk to just another person that has no unique qualities? Not me, that’s for sure! So make a good profile. List all the fun things you enjoy doing and that everyone else would find fun doing with you. Make sure to keep it simple, don’t make a massive profile with 30 paragraphs. Nobody is going to read through that mess. So have fun, keep it simple and make sure you are being yourself! :) (Dudes – Don’t put selfies of yourself in a mirror showing off your abs. That’s great, you have abs. Just like every “dude” out there, nobody wants to see that crap)

Non-Monogamous Searching

So now that you have a decent profile, start answering questions! After you have answered around 200-300 questions, go to Browse Matches, then sort by Non-monogamous. This will bring up all the people that have selected in their relationship type as Non-monogamous. Unfortunately, it seems like not a lot of people fill out this question, so it can help, but it’s not great.

Keyword Field

Take advantage of this area! It’s quite overlooked. Putting in keywords such as “searching for couple” “we are married” or “looking for…”. These help refine your searches even more and can pull up all the people that have these words in their profile.

Relationship Status

This field is where you can select if someone is single or not-single. Having this set as not-single can bring out many people that open to a Polyamorous type of relationship.

A-List Feature: Open Relationships

If you have A-List, you can go to the advanced questions and type in “Open”. The question about the willingness to join in an open relationship, select “Yes”. From here you can see everyone that is willing to even allow this type of relationship!

Overall, we both love OkCupid and is by far our favorite of all the websites we have created profiles on. So what are you waiting for? Get on there and try it out yourself!

Writing an Effective Initial Message

Your first message should not be something along the lines of: Hi, Hello, How R U? etc. Keep it simple, but not THAT simple. My wife’s profile gets around 3,000 views per day and most of her messages are simply 1 word to one liners. That’s it. So if you send a short message, don’t expect a response. Go to the person’s profile, find something you two connect on. Don’t go with a tv show, music or food – those are way too overused. Mention something else, like if they enjoy crafting, or hiking. Then ask them a question about it! It’s really that simple. Also; try to sound excited. Nothing is worse than a message with no heart or feeling in it. If you can do this, you will get a response! This doesn’t mean you will connect, but you can at least get the ball rolling.

Practicing Polyamory; Values

Polyamory & Values

Polyamory has received much criticism for having low values, and often misunderstood as a way to basically cheat on a partner and everyone be alright with it. We know this is a complete fabrication of reality and polyamory is much deeper than simply just sex. Polyamory has just as much, if not more, values than a more traditional monogamy relationship has. Lets look at the different values polyamorous groups have.

Polyamory: Fidelity and Loyalty

Monogamy generally defines fidelity as committing ones self sexually and relationally to one partner at any one time. Polyamory, however, is very similar because rather than simply just having one partner, there is more than just one as a possibility. We generally define fidelity as being 100% honest and with open communication as well as having respect for each other and their relationships involved. Some people generally prefer to note loyalty rather than fidelity and honoring agreements between partners no matter how many. We that practice polyamory define this as being able to rely on each others support, presence and care.

Rather than basing fidelity on the sexual side of things that much of monogamy notes, we base our commitment off of trust and honesty.

Polyamory Trust, Honesty, Respect and Dignity

We practice polyamory with a complete open honesty agreement. Rather than saying hey, don’t ask me and I won’t tell you, we go with going in to detail and making sure everything is on the table as far as emotions, conflicts, and issues arise. When a detail is left out, that detail could cause massive amounts of drama and unneeded insecurity issues. Personally I like details, but that’s just me.

We always are completely honest to everyone involved in our relationship, even to a fault if it must be. When you are open and honest about everything, and you know your partners are aware of what is going on whether it be with a new relationship or an accident, makes conflicts and issues much simpler to remedy. We respect and honor each other and the relationships involved.

Dignity comes into play with polyamory because it is a key to supporting each other and not undermining each others relationships. We do not use relationships to harm each other or other parties involved.

Negotiation and Communication in Polyamory

Polyamory is a widely recognized term, but I can honestly say that it is often misinterpreted or thought of differently. When I was new to polyamory, I had difficulty grasping the differences between an open relationship and swinging. There are differences, and each person we come across has a slightly different view than we do. This being said, when we meet new potential partners we talk with them to ensure they are on the same page with us as far as our rules, boundaries, communication and honesty goes.

If there is a conflict of rules, there is negotiation as an option with all parties involved. Lets say I can’t make it to meeting my secondary partner’s primary, yet I have always told my primary that I will be home at 6pm. My secondary partner’s primary gets off work at 6pm. With open communication and negotiation we may be able to come to a compromise.

Polyamory; Creating Bounderies & Rules

Getting Intimate with Bounderies and Rules

One of the first steps that need to be done in any polyamorous relationship is sitting down with your partner or partners and creating boundaries and rules. For polyamory to be comfortable for everyone, everyone must be open and honest with each other about what makes them uncomfortable and what their needs are for the relationship.

Discussing Insecurities Openly

Sit down with your partners, grab a pencil and paper. Discuss with each other what actions make each other feel insecure. When we did this the first time we ended up with a very long list spanning several pages of different insecurities we each had. One insecurity we had discussed was sex with other people in our bed in our home. We noted this as an insecurity, then moved on. Be sure to note all your insecurities and anything that makes each other uncomfortable. Whether its not having your partner with you at night or physical intimacy around each other, all are valid insecurities. There is not one single insecurity that is invalid. Be sure to be 100% honest even if there is a tiny bit of insecurity – talk about it openly. Your other partners may have a similar feeling. Small insecurities can lead to a snapping point or bring frustration into a relationship.

Insecurities to Rules

Now that you and your partners have a list of insecurities listed, talk about each insecurity and why you or them feel that way. Talk about how those insecurities can either be resolved or worked into a rule. If your partner wants to never fall asleep alone at night, maybe it will be a rule that you are home at a certain time every night or perhaps you fall asleep with them but after they are asleep you may go out with one of your other partners. There are many ways to come to a conclusion with every rule that works for everybody. If an insecurity seems like its stupid and ridiculous, try not to stress out about it. All feelings are valid, and over time many of these rules will be either removed or reworked as feeling change and everyone becomes more comfortable in the relationship.

Evolving Feelings and Emotions

Over time feelings will change, people involved within the relationship will become comfortable and rules may need to be reworked. When we created a rule to not have sex with other partners in our bed we talked about it months later and decided there was still some insecurities there, but not nearly to the same intensity that it was before. We reworked the rule to only have sex with our respective partners on our personal side of the bed, then weeks later removed the rule completely as we became even more comfortable with everything.

So what’s the key?

The key to all rules and bounderies within any polyamorous relationship is 100% honesty and communication. If all insecurities are covered, there leaves little room for frustration. Remember – even if there is a small insecurity, talk about it and come to a conclusion! Your partners want you to be comfortable, happy and satisfied within the relationship, so talk to them.

Is Polyamory For Me?

This is the question of the century. We hear this quite a bit on forums, Twitter and on the polyamory subreddit channel, basically anywhere there is a gathering of sex positive groups or polyamory, people ask…

Is Polyamory for me?

Asking if polyamory is for you or if maybe a different relationship style is for you is entirely up to…well, you. However, some insight into polyamory and all the different variances of polyamory can be helpful. We highly recommend checking out our page detailing some of the more popular variances of polyamory here. After you have found that there is actually quite a bit of different ways for polyamory to work, you will start to understand that there is many different rules and boundaries that are specific to each person involved in the polyamorous relationship. This allows for a much more fluid form of relationship rather than a monogamous relationship where entering into a single partner lifestyle can be quite restricting.

Is one enough?

Where monogamy revolves around the idea that one person is enough to satisfy another person in entirety from intimate sexual acts to enjoying time and activities together. Polyamory, however, is open to new people entering into the relationship with just one other person, two people or even a small community! If you find yourself falling in love with multiple people and are able to have your needs met by multiple partners, then polyamory may be for you. Lets say person A dates person B. Person A wants to explore BSDM, however, person B is not willing to engage in that sort of activity or does not interest him/her. With polyamory, person A and B can be in a solid relationship, yet person A may have their other needs met by a new person C.

If you find yourself wanting to simply have sex with multiple partners, but without the commitment, swinging may be for you. Perhaps you and your partner will swap partners with other couples. Another option is possibly simply opening up your relationship and allowing for side relationships to form, but still having each other as primaries within the relationship.

Polyamory is too strict. Nothing interests me.

The great thing about polyamory is the open mindedness to welcome change! We involved in a polyamorous relationship want all of our partners to be happy and content within the relationships we’ve built for them. This means that rules and boundaries may be put into place to help one other through either difficult times or to bring the polyamorous relationship full circle. Polyamory is not strict at all, and there are so many variances outside of the many different recognized types already noted.

Polyamory Forums Review

Polyamory Forums Review

This is our review of active polyamory forums. With the internet being swamped with more and more polyamory forums every day with webmasters in the hope of gathering traffic to their website or honestly trying to find a good niche, we have done our research to find the most active, helpful and friendly polyamory forums on the web.

Polyamory.com Forum Review

Polyamory.com is one of the highest populated polyamory forums on the internet with an average of 75 people online at any given time. With nearly a thousand members and a quarter million posts, this polyamorous forum is great for learning more about polyamory, having your questions answered and much more. Polyamory.com also has a wealth of informational links which is helpful for new polyamorous people as well as those who have been in a polyamory relationship for much longer. We give this polyamory forum a thumbs up!

Polyamoryonline.org Forum Review

Polyamoryonline.org has a great polyamory forum within their website which contains a fairly active following of roughly 25 people online during peak times. Boasting over a half million posts, this polyamory forum has been around for a quite a long while with a long lasting core group. While a bit less active than polyamory.com, polyamoryonline.org is another great polyamory forum with helpful, knowledgeable people that are more than friendly! We are active on this forum and highly recommend checking this one out.

Polyamoryplus.com Forum Review

Polyamoryplus.com is a bit smaller forum with a dedicated following. With on average ~15 people online at once, this forum does have a quality following whereas some of the larger, more bloated forums may have more banter.  Polyamoryplus.com generally stays on-subject with fast replies to forum posts. We recommend joining Polyamoryplus.com poly forums in conjunction with joining one of the above polyamory forums as well.

Our Favorite Polyamory Forums

We are most active on the polyamory.com forum solely because we like the group there! We seem to connect with them emotionally and thoroughly enjoy spending time with them. We are also greatly looking forward to meeting a few of the members within polyamory groups near us in Cincinnati. We hope we will see you online in some of these polyamory forums!

Sex and Emotional Connection

Is Sex better with an emotional connection?

Today we will be answering the question; Is sex better with an emotional connection? Now, we can’t speak for other people, however, there have been studies done that show sex is indeed better with an emotional connection. Why? Lets talk about that, but first, let’s look at some statistics from www.self.com.

  • Porn was actually the most popular bedroom booster: 57 percent of survey responders draw their sexual inspiration from porn and 48 percent from books.
  • Nearly two-thirds of respondents believe that the porn industry is actually helping people have better sex.
  • About half of respondents regularly use lubricants, vibrators and other sex toys in bed.
  • To incorporate something new sexually, couples report these top three methods: talking about it while in bed, talking about it in a neutral place outside of the bedroom and first asking one’s partner what he/she wants.
  • Exactly 29 percent of people admit to initiating “dirty talk” through texts and emails while over 60 percent indicate they talk dirty between the sheets. Only 14 percent of respondents claim to never talk dirty.
  • Two-thirds of respondents generally stick to the same 2-4 positions in bed while 27 percent rotate through 5-7 positions and occasionally try new ones.

The top confidence booster in bed? “Being with someone I love” according to respondents who ranked this highest followed by “feeling good about my sexual abilities,” and “when my partner compliments me.”

Lets look at a different survey, from www.yourtango.com

A whopping 96 percent of survey respondents said the best sex is had with someone with whom they are emotionally connected. Similarly, 92 percent of readers say it’s a turn-on when their partner shows some vulnerability, an important part of emotional closeness.

We can clearly see that sex with some sort of emotional connection does seem to beat out just fucking without emotion. While we notice the statistics above mention what enhances sex for people within the bedroom, we can easily see that the last statistic was noted the most as the biggest sexual enhancer between people in bed. So does this mean that sex with emotion is generally better than sex with random people? I believe it may vary between people and what they find sexy. Personally, I enjoy sex much more with some sort of emotional connection as well as physical attraction with the person I’m having sex with.

My Opinion – Sex with Emotions

When I was early on in the experimental phase of polyamory with my wife, I was having sex with a multitude of partners, without having much, if any sort of a connection. One day I had a one night stand with a lady, which she was great in bed, fucking me however I wanted it, and for hours. But since there wasn’t an emotional connection for me, I couldn’t get into it. I couldn’t even finish. I felt bad after sex as well, which has never happened before. I tried an emotionless fucking again shortly after with the same results. I’m confident that sex for me requires some sort of emotional connection to be considered good sex no matter how good in bed the other person may be!

I personally use AdultFriendFinder for my polyamorous and swinging dating. Check out our AdultFriendFinder review here!

Is sex better for you with an emotional connection? Do you enjoy sex without emotions? Let us know in the comments below!

Polyamory: Dividing Your Love or Multiplying it?

Polyamory & Division of Love

Early on when we were discussing boundaries, the topic of love came up. She asked me what I would think if she fell in love with her boyfriend and how I would feel if she told him she loved him. I immediately felt jealousy rise up within me with the immediate thought of “How dare she love someone else besides me!”. To me, sex was different. She could have sex with guys but when it came to love, it completely caught me off guard. Love is such a deep emotion that requires such an intense connection – at least in my eyes. Love should never be taken lightly, and to me is the pinnacle of  relationship’s connection. I remember sitting in the car talking to her about what my feelings were and why I felt this way, but I couldn’t come up with a reason to justify my insecurities about her falling in love. I recently had finished reading The Ethical Slut (which is an amazing book in and of itself, read our review here) and the book covered this specific issue within society when polyamory is mentioned.

“The more you love, the more you can love — and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.” -Robert Heinlein

Society’s View on Polyamory & Love

When I say society, I mean the general public outside of polyamory. When society criticizes polyamory, they think hey, how can you love more than one person at any one time? Seriously. How is it possible? You find one person you deeply connect with and give them your all. You give them everything you are, and they give you everything they are. You both share with each other 100%. So when you bring in a 3rd or a 4th, you break that 100% down to 50% or 33%. See? You can’t give anybody your 100% if you are splitting up your love.

Society also treats love as a scarce commodity, similar to food, where as in there is a limited supply. Within polyamory, people view love as not being possible to give everyone a full share, because there is a limited amount of the resource available to be given.

Polyamorous View on Love

Now lets switch up the view a bit; lets look from the polyamorous perspective. What does love mean to us? Love is seen as infinite resource, one that is not dwindled by how many we give our love to. We see it as enhancing our love between each other when someone else is brought into the relationship. This isn’t to say polyamorous love can’t be 100% between only two people, because it certainly can!

Let’s look at some examples

Here we have two parents, they have two children, whom they love dearly and would do anything for. Wait. They have two children and they love them both? Hmmm. Interesting right?

Here’s another perspective; I have many friends, all of whom I love. I enjoy spending time with friends, I enjoy doing things with them and I would do just about anything for each of them. Does loving one friend limit another friend’s amount of love received? I think not!

Honesty & Communication; A Unique Perspective

Honesty & Communication; A Unique Perspective

Two fundamental parts of polyamory; honesty & communication. There is a unique dynamic between the two that allows for honesty to play off communication and the reverse to happen. Honesty is pointless without communication and communication is also pointless without honesty. The two together play a vital part of any relationship, including polyamorous relationships, which is what we will be focusing on today.

“Without communication there is no relationship. Without respect, there is no love. Without trust, there is no reason to continue.”

One of the most difficult points in any relationship is the fight. We all know what that is. Its when your partner comes home from a long day at work and notices something small that you didn’t do right. Let’s say you didn’t put the toilet seat down and you know you should have. Immediately your partner blows up. You are standing there just taking the aggression with little to say other than “I’m sorry.” Your partner leaves the room, frustrated and slams the door. You are left feeling helpless and irritated.

The Fight – Hunger & Exhaustion

Let’s take a look at why the fight happened and the issues surrounding the two people involved within this particular scenario. Person A came home from work. Person A is obviously tired. We all know fights tend to happen when someone is either tired or hungry, interesting enough, the same thing happens to animals. Its an instinct every living thing has. Looking back at the fight, person B didn’t fight back. They took the aggression, said they were sorry and backed off. Would better honesty and communication have done either person in this scenario any good? Person A was honest, and they were very clear about communicating their issue. Person B was honest as well, and communicated they were sorry. Honesty and communication could help some but not much. However, if we change the story a bit, maybe they can. (PS: There’s a lot to be said about choosing battles as well, which we’ll talk about another day!)

More than just talking

Let’s change our story. Instead of person A coming home from work, they came home from their weekly back massage. Person A is feeling relaxed and comfortable so they should have no reason for a simple toilet seat to trigger such an explosive reaction, yet it does. The story unfolds the same way, person B says they are sorry, backs off and stands there as person A leaves the room and slams the door. Could have better honesty and communication done something in this scenario? Heck yes it could have. Communication doesn’t mean simply just to be able to talk to someone, it also means to talk to someone as if they are a human being the same as you. Attacking someone outright in a loud manner doesn’t solve anything for anybody, especially if the hunger or exhaustion isn’t involved. Honesty also plays a roll here. Is person A really irritated about the toilet seat or is something deeper going on here? Typically when someone has an outburst of anger over something small, there is something much bigger going on in their life that is causing the frustration. This same theory applies to a triad, a quad, or even a poly single.

Clear, honest communication from all partners involved must be had for a fight to be resolved effectively.

That’s a bold statement you may be asking yourself. But let’s look at what really is going on in a fight without honesty. Lies? Partial truths? Honesty is key. The same goes with communication within a fight and outside of a fight as well. Being able to clearly express your opinion on a matter is just as important as being honest. If someone doesn’t communicate within the polyamorous group, what good does honesty do? Not much. Especially if they are unwilling to participate within group discussions. Communication is not a bash against shy partners. Being shy is perfectly fine as long as they are able to communicate their position on matters. Be sure to ask partners directly their thoughts on matters if someone is a bit shy within the group as louder members can easily talk over them.

Outside the fight

Honesty and communication plays a roll in nearly every aspect of a relationship, especially within a polyamorous relationship. We looked at the necessity of both during a fight, however, how does communication or honesty play a roll outside the relationship? I think you already know. Being fully honest about what happens on dates, what feelings are being felt, communicating clearly emotions about new partners your primary may have, etc. The same goes with communication, only instead of just being honest, you will also have to communicate your thoughts to others.

Having all partners be able to clearly communicate feelings while being 100% honest between each other is the golden grail of communication within a polyamorous group.

Know when to stop

There is something to be said about knowing when to stop when communicating. Does your partner really need to know all the details about your last sexual encounter? If they ask, tell them of course, but overly going into detail doesn’t help anyone, especially if there is any sort of jealousy involved or the relationship is still going through the NRE (new relationship energy) phase. Withholding details when asked is being dishonest, and not telling the full truth is also dishonest, so how does someone know when to stop? You’ll know. Watch your partner or partners as you talk to them and answer questions of course but remember, not all details is always needed. An obvious example is one of your partners asking you “Did you have sex with her on the date?” and your response is “Yes, we did.” Rather than going into detail about it “Yes, we did have sex. We had sex for 7 hours. We started in the living room and showered together…” The second response is clearly not necessary, but this is a bit of an exaggerated reply obviously as well.

It’s important to think of your partner’s feelings when responding. Communicate clearly and with complete honesty, but on certain subjects it’s expected not to go into detail unless asked directly.

Respect; the key

While we hear within the polyamorous community about communication and honesty every day, its rarely brought up (from what I’ve heard) anything about respect. What is communication and honesty without respect? What is respect without communication and honesty? Not much. So where does respect come in to play within a polyamorous relationship? Everywhere. Every time you interact with your partner or partners there is a certain level of respect. Remember the story we opened with? Person A came home from worked, fought with person B then slammed the door and walked out. Person A had little respect for person B by literally just blowing up on them for what appeared to be just a simple mistake. If person A had more respect for person B, the fight wouldn’t have escalated so quickly. Respect your partner’s feelings and emotions; nobody deserves to be torn down by a simple mistake. Try putting yourself in their shoes if you are unsure of how to approach someone about something.

So what happens to respect outside of a fight? Respecting your partner means more than respecting just their emotions and feelings. Let’s say you have two girlfriends, and your primary has one boyfriend. She decides to go out on a date with another guy, but it makes you uneasy by her seeing two guys rather than just one. You feel she may have less time for you now that she will be seeing three people at once. This brings up insecurities and perhaps jealousy on your part, but are you respecting your partner? No.

If you are able to do something yourself, you should allow your partner to do the same as well.

Take a step back and look at the situation. You are in the same shoes she is. You are able to see three people at once and still have time for her! Why wouldn’t it be the same for her? So take it from us, respect your partner, be clear when you communicate and of course, be honest!

Break Up Advice; Do it right.

Break Up Advice; How to break up the right way.

(Poly-minded!)

Our break up advice today will cover how to break up with someone the right way, how to let them down easy without tormenting them about their feelings and lastly to hopefully try to salvage some sort of friendship after the breakup. There is plenty of dating advice online about how to make a relationship work, but there isn’t much about how to break up the right way. Both my partner and I have been on the receiving end of breakups and on the giving end of breakups. We have seen how terrible some people are at breaking up and felt the heartache of being told the relationship is over despite an amazing previous date. We have both been in tears clinging to each other over a lost love or the horrible feeling of having to break up with someone after a bad first date if they were into you, but it wasn’t reciprocated on your end.

When dealing with having to break up with someone, it’s best to approach this person alone. Don’t bring other partners into the scene; this is between you and them. Additional partners make things much more complex from our experience because group dynamics tend to be different than relationships one on one.

Is the break up needed?

One of the first things you need to ask yourself “Is this relationship really over?” Once you have determined the relationship is done, you will want to figure out what kind of connection you wish to still have with the person. (We’d like to make a point here that just because you’d like to still have some sort of connection with someone, doesn’t mean they want the same. Be sure of what you want, but aware that they may not want the same thing back) Our break up advice can’t help you figure out if you want to still see the person, maintain a friendship, or just simply move on. That is something only you can decide. Ask yourself these questions: Is the relationship over? If yes, do you still want a friendship? What kind of dynamic do you want to have with this person after the relationship is over? The last question is simple; is a breakup needed or is a simply request for change of relationship dynamics needed?

Time to break up.

You have come to the conclusion you must breakup with this person for whatever reason it may be. Let’s focus on the simplest type of breakup first; first date fail. You went on your first date with this person and it was terrible or you just weren’t feeling it; there was no connection. The other person seemed into you, and appeared to be having a good time, but you felt disconnect. You know you need to break it off with this person but you doubt they will be expecting it. What do you do? How do you break it off?

First date fail break up advice

The first thing you need to keep in mind is that the other person likes you and wants to continue the relationship. Perhaps they told you this – maybe they didn’t, our break up advice can’t tell you this. Either way, they were into the date; you weren’t. If at the end of the date you are sure that you just weren’t into it, try to be kind, but blunt then and there. Don’t leave them assuming a second date is coming. It’s not always easy to say, but it saves a lot of heartache and grief in the end . You don’t have to sit down with them and explain things in detail. We like having a simple line like;

“I’m going to be straight with you, I’m just not feeling it between us. We have a lot in common and you’re a really cool person, but I just didn’t feel a connection. It’s just not the dynamic I’m looking for right now.”

Something along these lines immediately shows that you are coming to them and being honest. At this point if you’d like to still hang out as friends, you can request that if they seem receptive, but if it’s done, just be done. Don’t lead them on. It’s not fair to anyone.

If you have already ended the date on a positive note, but have decided in the light of day that it just isn’t working for you, we recommend contacting them and telling them exactly how you feel as soon as you are sure. We rarely condone breaking up over text/email, (something more personal is vastly preferred) However, if it was a first date with little  communication/connection before, texting is usually less frowned upon in this instance.

Been dating a while break up

One of the most difficult breakups is when the emotional connection was strong between two people at one time or still is currently. If love is still deeply felt on one side of the relationship, it can exponentially make this situation much more difficult. You will want to approach this situation with caution, because as far as break up advice goes; have this conversation in person as soon as you are aware of the feelings.

“Would you want someone leading you on? How would you feel if someone was with you only because they didn’t know how to end it? Take it from us; communication is key. If you are feeling emotional disconnect chances are they feel it too and will be receptive to change in one form or another.”

Call or text them you would like to get together. Keep the date simple – go out for a coffee. Going out to eat somewhere, fancy or cheap, is generally not a good idea either as far as break up advice goes. Would you want to be tied to the rest of an awkward dinner after you just got broken up with? After you get together with your partner be sure to put everything on the table; tell them exactly how you feel. Tell them your relationship needs and how they aren’t being met. Be sure to bring up any needs you are unable to provide to them as well. Within polyamorous relationships breakups are less about needs not being met and more about the connection involved with the person. However, a bad connection within any sort of relationship is generally worth talking about at this time.

“A great piece of break up advice is to be sure to tell them where you would like to see your relationship with this person to go. Whether you would prefer to go from a deep loving relationship to something a bit more casual or from a casual relationship to just friends, make sure to tell them your wants and expectations. Walking away from a break up is difficult, so take our break up advice and think about where you want things to go!”

If you and your partner are dating another couple and things just aren’t working out with them, be sure to sit down as a group and talk together. If the group dynamic doesn’t support open communication between all four partners, we recommend stepping away in two sets and talking, then sitting down together and discussing where everyone would like the relationship to go. A similar option exists for triads except everyone sits down together and discusses options, feelings and emotions. Be sure not leave anybody out and everyone’s thoughts are heard. Fortunately most break up advice found online can be applied to polyamory and general non-monogamy.

“One of the most important things to remember when breaking up with someone is to keep things simple. Bringing up details about hurt and pain causes frustration and anger, although be prepared to give an example of why the relationship is not working. Nobody wants to walk away from a relationship and be unsure of why it failed. Who likes resentment? We sure don’t. We want to keep the mood as light and open as possible so best case a friendship can be preserved.”

Final break up advice

Texting and talking on the phone can cause more drama than it’s worth. Be careful with texting because one wrong word can bring even a good relationship to its knees. Can you imagine how one wrong word could destroy any hope for a friendship during a breakup? Try not to do it. In case we haven’t mentioned it… texting a breakup is disrespectful to all parties involved!

Sit down with your partner, tell them how you are feeling, tell them what you are looking for and be prepared to answer some difficult questions.