Break Up Advice; Do it right.

Break Up Advice; How to break up the right way.

(Poly-minded!)

Our break up advice today will cover how to break up with someone the right way, how to let them down easy without tormenting them about their feelings and lastly to hopefully try to salvage some sort of friendship after the breakup. There is plenty of dating advice online about how to make a relationship work, but there isn’t much about how to break up the right way. Both my partner and I have been on the receiving end of breakups and on the giving end of breakups. We have seen how terrible some people are at breaking up and felt the heartache of being told the relationship is over despite an amazing previous date. We have both been in tears clinging to each other over a lost love or the horrible feeling of having to break up with someone after a bad first date if they were into you, but it wasn’t reciprocated on your end.

When dealing with having to break up with someone, it’s best to approach this person alone. Don’t bring other partners into the scene; this is between you and them. Additional partners make things much more complex from our experience because group dynamics tend to be different than relationships one on one.

Is the break up needed?

One of the first things you need to ask yourself “Is this relationship really over?” Once you have determined the relationship is done, you will want to figure out what kind of connection you wish to still have with the person. (We’d like to make a point here that just because you’d like to still have some sort of connection with someone, doesn’t mean they want the same. Be sure of what you want, but aware that they may not want the same thing back) Our break up advice can’t help you figure out if you want to still see the person, maintain a friendship, or just simply move on. That is something only you can decide. Ask yourself these questions: Is the relationship over? If yes, do you still want a friendship? What kind of dynamic do you want to have with this person after the relationship is over? The last question is simple; is a breakup needed or is a simply request for change of relationship dynamics needed?

Time to break up.

You have come to the conclusion you must breakup with this person for whatever reason it may be. Let’s focus on the simplest type of breakup first; first date fail. You went on your first date with this person and it was terrible or you just weren’t feeling it; there was no connection. The other person seemed into you, and appeared to be having a good time, but you felt disconnect. You know you need to break it off with this person but you doubt they will be expecting it. What do you do? How do you break it off?

First date fail break up advice

The first thing you need to keep in mind is that the other person likes you and wants to continue the relationship. Perhaps they told you this – maybe they didn’t, our break up advice can’t tell you this. Either way, they were into the date; you weren’t. If at the end of the date you are sure that you just weren’t into it, try to be kind, but blunt then and there. Don’t leave them assuming a second date is coming. It’s not always easy to say, but it saves a lot of heartache and grief in the end . You don’t have to sit down with them and explain things in detail. We like having a simple line like;

“I’m going to be straight with you, I’m just not feeling it between us. We have a lot in common and you’re a really cool person, but I just didn’t feel a connection. It’s just not the dynamic I’m looking for right now.”

Something along these lines immediately shows that you are coming to them and being honest. At this point if you’d like to still hang out as friends, you can request that if they seem receptive, but if it’s done, just be done. Don’t lead them on. It’s not fair to anyone.

If you have already ended the date on a positive note, but have decided in the light of day that it just isn’t working for you, we recommend contacting them and telling them exactly how you feel as soon as you are sure. We rarely condone breaking up over text/email, (something more personal is vastly preferred) However, if it was a first date with little  communication/connection before, texting is usually less frowned upon in this instance.

Been dating a while break up

One of the most difficult breakups is when the emotional connection was strong between two people at one time or still is currently. If love is still deeply felt on one side of the relationship, it can exponentially make this situation much more difficult. You will want to approach this situation with caution, because as far as break up advice goes; have this conversation in person as soon as you are aware of the feelings.

“Would you want someone leading you on? How would you feel if someone was with you only because they didn’t know how to end it? Take it from us; communication is key. If you are feeling emotional disconnect chances are they feel it too and will be receptive to change in one form or another.”

Call or text them you would like to get together. Keep the date simple – go out for a coffee. Going out to eat somewhere, fancy or cheap, is generally not a good idea either as far as break up advice goes. Would you want to be tied to the rest of an awkward dinner after you just got broken up with? After you get together with your partner be sure to put everything on the table; tell them exactly how you feel. Tell them your relationship needs and how they aren’t being met. Be sure to bring up any needs you are unable to provide to them as well. Within polyamorous relationships breakups are less about needs not being met and more about the connection involved with the person. However, a bad connection within any sort of relationship is generally worth talking about at this time.

“A great piece of break up advice is to be sure to tell them where you would like to see your relationship with this person to go. Whether you would prefer to go from a deep loving relationship to something a bit more casual or from a casual relationship to just friends, make sure to tell them your wants and expectations. Walking away from a break up is difficult, so take our break up advice and think about where you want things to go!”

If you and your partner are dating another couple and things just aren’t working out with them, be sure to sit down as a group and talk together. If the group dynamic doesn’t support open communication between all four partners, we recommend stepping away in two sets and talking, then sitting down together and discussing where everyone would like the relationship to go. A similar option exists for triads except everyone sits down together and discusses options, feelings and emotions. Be sure not leave anybody out and everyone’s thoughts are heard. Fortunately most break up advice found online can be applied to polyamory and general non-monogamy.

“One of the most important things to remember when breaking up with someone is to keep things simple. Bringing up details about hurt and pain causes frustration and anger, although be prepared to give an example of why the relationship is not working. Nobody wants to walk away from a relationship and be unsure of why it failed. Who likes resentment? We sure don’t. We want to keep the mood as light and open as possible so best case a friendship can be preserved.”

Final break up advice

Texting and talking on the phone can cause more drama than it’s worth. Be careful with texting because one wrong word can bring even a good relationship to its knees. Can you imagine how one wrong word could destroy any hope for a friendship during a breakup? Try not to do it. In case we haven’t mentioned it… texting a breakup is disrespectful to all parties involved!

Sit down with your partner, tell them how you are feeling, tell them what you are looking for and be prepared to answer some difficult questions.

0 replies

Leave a Reply

Want to join the discussion?
Feel free to contribute!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *